I've had this post sitting in my edits page for well over a week, totally unsure whether to publish or not. We try to keep this blog simple, lighthearted, and use it primarily as a journal/record of our activities as a family so our kids can go back later to read. Even though we intentionally choose to not write/share very personal things, this feels different. I've written, deleted, rewritten, deleted again and then started over with this. And, here I am re-reading and rewriting once again. I feel kinda disappointed in myself for letting this get to me so much. I guess I am choosing to share how I feel in this area cos I KNOW I can't be the only one who has this struggle. And, maybe I just want to be told that I am normal:)
~~~~~~
Last month I returned to work full time. I didn't have a choice; it was something that had to be done and like my mum reminded me 'you have to do what you need to do to help support your family.' Truthfully, going back to work was not the hard part. Being away from the kids is what I do not enjoy at all. It was different with Javan. I didn't want to be away from him but thankfully, our schedule then allowed me plenty of time during the day to see him. For a while I was able to telecommute. This time those privileges are no longer available so the transition has been really tough.
When I added on the role of mother to my resume I did not know I would be signing up for a large dose of GUILT, which this past month has returned with a vengeance and has been eating at me. I think back to life pre-kids. Life was so simple and carefree and easy. Mummy guilt was so foreign to me.
Every day I leave home feeling guilty cos now I leave not one, but two sweet babies every day. When I come home I feel guilty that I was away all day. Last night I had to do grocery shopping and I barely got to see either of them. Ria was asleep with I got home. Basically I felt like a cow just supplying milk (that's half funny but honestly its not). It kills me to be away from Ria cos I know I am missing so much, even if all she does right now is just sit, smile, reach and grab ... you get the picture. It's just knowing I'm not there seeing her do something, is what gets to me. God forbid if I miss any of her firsts:(
Sadly, those guilty feelings don't end when I get home. I feel guilty asking Javan to give me a minute so I can change my clothes THEN sit down to play trains with him. Only, I really I can't sit down since dinner needs to be made, by which time Ria needs to be fed, it's time to eat, gotta do baths and the list goes on and before I know it, the day has ended and we're tucking them in for night night. The days I do get to see them in the middle of the work day is awesome, but I feel awful when Javan says 'are you all done at work now mummy? are you coming home with me?' Oh I could cry just thinking about it.
There's also this silly guilt I feel when I call to check up on the kids and when I don't. Does our sitter think I'm an overbearing mother? I constantly go back n forth with 'should I call now or should I wait til later?' And then when J calls me during the day he wants to know how the kids are and what they are doing ... well, really I wish I knew:( My guilt doesn't just end with the kids though.
I feel guilty cos my house isn't as clean as it used to always be and should be. I desperately want to clean and have it looking spiffy all the time - I'm really anal about these things and it literally drives me insane. I think about it and then I just have no energy to clean.
I feel guilty cos I dont have the time to cook like I used. Now everything needs to be quick, which honestly is no big deal but when you really enjoy cooking it's frustrating to feel like you aren't putting much effort into it. Saturday we finally got the time to stop at the Indian grocery store to pick up some stuff that we needed. I promised Javan his soji (a dessert) Sunday night, but by the time I got done making lunches, bottles, getting out clothes and packing everything, it was already bedtime and I had not made it yet. He cried so much cos he wanted his soji and I felt so, so bad that I could not fulfill that simple request.
I also feel guilty that I don't make or have enough time to spend with Jermaine. Sure we have on going conversations and do stuff together but really everything is with the kids. I think the last time we actually went out (just the two of us) was probably October last year. By the time I'm done with work and getting everything ready for the kids and us for the next day, I'm just plain physically and mentally exhausted and want to lay on the couch and watch mindless tv ... I have no energy for 'deep' conversations (and you all know how J can talk!) or even just chatter. I just want quiet time, my quiet time. He's never one to complain about it at all and is so easy going so that makes me even more guilty:(
And there's that guilt for when I choose to do something for me. I have so many little things that I
want to get done (like organize all my photo's and work on my scrapbooks) and
need to get done (like clean out my pantry, organize closets and finish other house tasks that Jermaine would take no interest in). But really if I sit down to do any of 'my' stuff then I feel really guilty cos its time that should be spent doing stuff with the kids. Running is my vice. It's that thing I do to help me recharge and just feel good yet when I do leave for a run I feel so bad cos, well, I'm leaving my sweet babies again.
I know we all go through this (on different levels) but I feel very inadequate knowing that right now I can't give more to my kids in terms of time and that's really what they need. One of the reasons I've had such a hard time with Ria turning six mths is cos through most of her pregnancy I was pretty depressed and felt disconnected (a lot of this was situational). After she was born I had this urgent need to make it up to her, but now I feel like I am shorting her and her infancy is just zooming by and I'm not really getting to 'be there' for it and sadly not a minute of her days can be relived.
Guilt, guilt and more guilt. I pretty tired of it. Ryan preached a great sermon last week and one thing he mentioned was 'changing your perspective' - it's not easy though, esp when this is constant and nagging. Its hard being a working mother, but I'm not the only one who does this so I guess I need to just get over it. This is such a battle for me though, and somehow I have a feeling it won't necessarily go away ...
